Overcoming Loneliness

In our next Emotional Intelligence (EI) Friday blog series, we will examine loneliness by considering research on social isolation in the workplace. We will discuss who is affected, the psychological effects of prolonged loneliness, and how you can support yourself or others who may need your help. We hope you enjoy this three-part series.

Click here to read Part 1 of this series. 

Click here to read Part 2 of this series.

So, what should you do if you are experiencing loneliness? Being aware of the dangers of prolonged loneliness is a starter. Below, we have also compiled suggestions for keeping loneliness at bay, for yourself or within your workplace or network.

1. Take cues from your loneliness. If you feel lonely at work or in your personal life, act on the emotional prompt! Do not ignore the feeling or focus on work to the detriment of your own professional, social, and physical well-being. Consider how you can find more consistent person-to-person interaction. If you work remotely or travel frequently, think about facilitating work discussions over video conference or the phone rather than relying on email or instant messaging.

2. Form personal relationships. While you’re at work, speak to people and don’t allow yourself to rely solely on emails or other technology to communicate. Ask people about their lives outside work and tell them about yours. Leave your desk to have lunch and invite someone to walk and/or eat with you. Take the occasional coffee break with peers. Join office committees or participate in community service activities. In the Work Connectivity survey, almost three-fourths of Gen Z and just under 70 percent of Millennials say that they would be more inclined to stay with their company if they had more friends. As a manager working to staunch loneliness on your team, Barsade and Ozcelik warn against falling into inauthentic means of relationship-building such as holiday parties or company picnics. Relationships are built in small groups by people sharing about their lives. Large parties often result in people feeling more isolated as they witness the socially connected enjoying the event.

3. Find shared meaning. According to a Harvard Business Review study, finding shared meaning with colleagues—understanding the meaning that they derive from the work and connecting it with the meaning that you find in the work—creates meaningful “social cohesion” and insulates team members from feeling isolated. This also addresses Barsade and Ozcelik’s point about the meaning and identity that younger generations are looking for in their careers. Younger generations are seeking to be part of something bigger, not just to receive a paycheck. This may also provide a way to connect with others when there are not obvious shared interests or a foundation for a relationship.

4. Work for companies and managers who take their emotional culture seriously. Some companies have cultures that are more prone to driving isolation than others. Consider this as you look for jobs. Do the employees seem connected beyond meeting corporate goals? Do they seem to know and care for each other on a more personal level? “Mandy O’Neill (management professor, George Mason University) and I have done some work in emotional culture—the norms around what emotions you’re allowed to express at work and what you’re better off suppressing. We found that in emotional cultures of companionate love [that include] care, compassion, and tenderness, even lonely employees were more likely to be perceived as approachable and committed to the organization… Anything that a manager can do in terms of creating a culture that sends out cues that are supportive is helpful,” Barsade said. When interviewing, look for signs that your manager and co-workers will be interested in forming real relationships with you that extend beyond your work together.

The Loneliness Epidemic

In our next Emotional Intelligence (EI) Friday blog series, we will examine loneliness by considering research on social isolation in the workplace. We will discuss who is affected, the psychological effects of prolonged loneliness, and how you can support yourself or others who may need your help. We hope you enjoy this three-part series.

Click here to read Part 1 of this series. 

The reasons for the rise in workplace loneliness are many, and in some ways, apparent. Technology has allowed us greater efficiency in reaching out to coworkers and peers, without truly interacting with them. The Work Connectivity study found that, “almost half of an employee’s day is spent using technology to communicate versus in-person.” Additionally, working remotely and having constant access to emails has not only decreased our likelihood of forming meaningful relationships with our co-workers, but also can negatively impact our relationships outside of the workplace. Consequently, based on the nature of the work, different professions have greater rates of reported loneliness. Lawyers, doctors, engineers, and scientists are the most lonely while those with more social jobs such as sales and marketing report lower levels of loneliness.

Sigal Barsade and Hakan Ozcelik, management professors at California State University, Sacramento, point also to the importance that careers have in shaping Millennials’ identities and creating relationship opportunities, in an interview with knowledge@Wharton. “I think employees have an increasing level of expectations from their organization simply because our professions make up a huge component of our identity. We are not doing our jobs just for a paycheck; we want to be a part of the group. We want to be respected. We want to feel that we are having a good quality of life. I think this is getting more profound with the new generation. They might be more relationship-oriented than we are, so it’s important for companies to take that into account. They need to create that relational environment and provide opportunities for employees to build relationships,” Ozcelik said.

Moreover, Barsade and Ozcelik observe that loneliness begets loneliness, meaning that prolonged feelings of isolation harm an individual’s social behaviors and impact their networks. Theoretically, loneliness should serve as a signal. It can and should be a transient emotional state that motivates a person to seek out connections with others, particularly useful when a person is in a new environment. However, prolonged loneliness causes behavioral changes that deter interactions. 

“What the psychology literature has shown is that once loneliness is an established sentiment—you’ve decided you’re lonely—you actually become less approachable. You don’t listen as well. You become more self-focused. All sorts of things happen that make you less of a desirable interaction partner to other people. We found that was one of the things that explained the lower performance. The co-workers of lonely people found them less approachable. Because of that, they didn’t share things and didn’t get the resources they needed. By the way, the literature showed it’s not that they have lower social skills. Loneliness makes it happen,” Barsade said.

Barsade and Ozcelik also point out that existing research shows that loneliness can be “contagious,” afflicting networks and driving negative changes in employee behaviors and interactions throughout teams and organizations. 

Learning to Value the Personal Side of Your Professional Life

In our next Emotional Intelligence (EI) Friday blog series, we will examine loneliness by considering research on social isolation in the workplace. We will discuss who is affected, the psychological effects of prolonged loneliness, and how you can support yourself or others who may need your help. We hope you enjoy this three-part series.

Being single. Living alone. Moving to a new city. Working remotely. Frequent work travel. Sound familiar? While Millennials and Gen Z are generally thought to be the most socially connected of generations, the truth is more nuanced. Many characteristics of the young professional lifestyle are triggers for loneliness, or “the distressing experience that occurs when one’s social relationships are perceived to be less in quantity, and especially in quality, than desired.”

A 2018 study by Cigna and Ipsos found that while most American adults are lonely, Generation Z and Millennials report higher levels of loneliness than older generations. Similarly, data collected by The Economist and the Kaiser Family Foundation, found that in the U.S., the majority of those between 18 and 49 were classified as lonely (59 percent) compared to less than half of those over 50 (41 percent). And, the negative effects of loneliness have been well-documented. In 2015, UCLA researchers found that social isolation triggers a physiological response causing chronic inflammation, which increases the risk for heart disease, stroke, cancer, and Alzheimer’s disease. A 2015 meta-analysis out of Brigham Young University, which included 70 studies, found that lonely people have a 26 percent higher risk of dying, controlling for age and health status. Other studies have linked loneliness to eating disorders, drug abuse, sleep deprivation, depression, alcoholism, and anxiety.

But loneliness isn’t just a personal problem. Sigal Barsade, a Wharton management professor who researches workplace loneliness, says, “People tend to think that if you’re lonely, you’re lonely everywhere. But that’s not true. What research has shown is that you can be lonely in your private life, in your family life, in your romantic life—it depends on the place.” Certainly, you can be lonely in your professional life. And, just as loneliness is harmful to your health, it is also harmful to your career. 

Recent research on the effects of loneliness in the workplace show that loneliness brings detrimental consequences to an individual’s job performance, satisfaction, likelihood of promotion, and engagement and tenure with a company. And, not surprisingly, loneliness is pervasive amongst the youngest members of the workplace. The Work Connectivity study, published by Future Workplace in partnership with Virgin Pulse, surveyed 2,000 managers and employees and found that just over half feel lonely always or very often. At 47 percent, Millennials were the loneliest followed by Generation Z (45 percent). Generation X and Baby Boomers fared better at 36 percent and 29 percent, respectively. While loneliness can affect any demographic group, the survey found that men were more likely than women to report being lonely (57 percent versus 43 percent) and introverts were much more likely than extroverts (63 percent versus 37 percent).

Listening to Connect

We’re excited to introduce “Emotional Intelligence (EI) Fridays” on the blog, where we will hone in on how to develop and implement these softer skills. 

Our first topic of focus will be listening, a critical skill for doctors, lawyers, and (future) CEOs alike. We hope you enjoy this three-part series.

Click here to read Part 1 of this series. 

Click here to read Part 2 of this series. 

Learning to listen, as with any skill, takes practice and time. Julian Treasure in his Ted Talk on Conscious Listening, spoke compellingly on the power of sound to connect us to our world, and to each other. “I believe that every human being needs to listen consciously in order to live fully—connected in space and time to the physical world around us, connected in understanding to each other, not to mention spiritually connected, because every spiritual path I know of has listening and contemplation at its heart,” he said. 

Treasure recommended daily listening exercises, which may help to attune you once again to listening, to hearing the noise in your environment (much of which, you’re likely tuning out) and to promoting your ability to be mindful and connected in a loud and busy world.

1. Sit in three minutes of silence to “reset your ears and to recalibrate.” This will allow you to pay more attention to sounds that you do hear afterwards. Treasure notes that if silence is impossible (for you NYC residents!), quiet is good too. 

2. In a noisy environment with competing sounds, try to differentiate the sounds that you are hearing. Treasure uses the example of a coffee bar. Listen for the “channels” of noise: people having conversations, the grinding of the coffee, the door opening and closing, typing sounds, ringing of cellphones, shoes squeaking on the floor, etc.

3. Listen for and try to take pleasure in everyday sounds that you may routinely tune out. The dryer, birds chirping, kids playing in the park. Instead of filtering out sounds as you go through your day, seek to savor a few. 

4. Each day you use “filters” in your listening to pare down the multitude of sounds in the world to those which you give your attention to. For example, you may opt for passive listening at the beach to take in the many pleasant sounds: the ocean, birds, people laughing, etc. Alternatively, when your partner joins you, you may focus on their voice over the waves crashing. Similarly, when listening to others, we can choose different filters. A friend may garner empathetic listening with your focus on emotion and connection, while a coworker may receive a more critical filter where you seek to assess and validate their ideas. Treasure, who calls this exercise the most important, challenges you to become aware of the filters you use and when, and to proactively adjust them. Filters, he says, “actually create our reality in a way, because they tell us what we're paying attention to right now.” 

Activate Your Listening Skills

We’re excited to introduce “Emotional Intelligence (EI) Fridays” on the blog, where we will hone in on how to develop and implement these softer skills. 

Our first topic of focus will be listening, a critical skill for doctors, lawyers, and (future) CEOs alike. We hope you enjoy this three-part series.

Click here to read Part 1 of this series. 

To become a more effective listener, keep in mind that listening requires engaging on multiple dimensions. Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg described the three components of listening in a Harvard Business Review article: Cognitive (taking in and comprehending the information); Emotional (maintaining calm to receive the information and managing emotional reactions to the information or its delivery); and Behavioral (demonstrating interest and picking up verbal and nonverbal cues). Maintaining awareness and control in these three dimensions promotes good listening. 

In the same article, Abrahams and Groysberg provide a “cheat sheet” of nine actions you can do to improve your listening in the short term. 

1. Repeat the speaker’s last few words back to them. The authors note that this practice demonstrates to people that you’re listening, keeps you engaged, and can provide moments to “gather thoughts or recover from an emotional reaction.” 

2. Steer clear of restating or summarizing in your own words what the speaker said— unless you need to. This practice should only be used if you are not sure that you’re understanding. Abrahams and Groysberg suggest that if you do use it, explicitly state that you’re restating to confirm your own comprehension.

3. Offer nonverbal communication if you are comfortable doing so. If it feels natural, use eye contact and nodding to demonstrate that you’re listening. If not, don’t distract yourself with internal reminders to nod or make eye contact. 

4. Look for nonverbal communication from the speaker. Take note of the speaker’s tone of voice, posture, facial expressions, and other body language or unspoken cues. The authors note the nonverbal can provide additional insight into the emotion and/or motivation behind the information.

5. Ask questions—more than you think you need to. Asking questions not only allows the speaker to feel listened to, it ensures that you comprehended the message and are not overlooking aspects of the information. 

6. Be aware of distractions and try to minimize them. In addition to the digital and workplace distractions we all face, when you’re listening, try to focus on the conversation and speaker, rather than allowing your growing to-do list or another conversation to take over your mind. 

7. Acknowledge your shortcomings to the speaker. Let the speaker know where you are coming from. Have you been in too many meetings today? Did you not have time to read the pre-meeting brief? Are you distracted by your roommate or kids in the next room? Let them know what you’re dealing with so you can both do your best to overcome existing obstacles.

8. Don’t rehearse your response while the other person is talking. The authors note that you think faster than others speak, but don’t fall prey to the temptation to prepare your response in advance. Take a few moments after they’ve spoken to compose your thoughts and use any extraneous brainpower to listen fully. 

9. Monitor your emotions. Emotions can make it difficult to listen. Our brains can quickly engage in defensive behavior, pointing out the ways that the speaker is wrong and we’re correct. So, be aware of your emotions, acknowledge that you’re feeling emotional, breathe through it, and try to stay engaged with what the speaker is saying. 

Let’s Get (Inter)Personal: Hearing and Listening

We’re excited to introduce “Emotional Intelligence (EI) Fridays” on the blog, where we will hone in on how to develop and implement these softer skills. 

Our first topic of focus will be listening, a critical skill for doctors, lawyers, and (future) CEOs alike. We hope you enjoy this three-part series.

In our rushed and noisy daily lives, it has become common to use the words “hear” and “listen” interchangeably. We ask, “Can you hear me?” presuming that if a person can hear us, they’re listening. But, Julian Treasure, author of How to be Heard: Secrets of Powerful Speaking and Listening, provides us with a key point of differentiation between the two in his Ted Talk on Conscious Listening. “My definition of listening is making meaning from sound. All the sound around us. And there are three stages to that process. The first stage is a physical stage: sound waves hit your body. All over. But in particular, they go deep inside your head, and the sound waves touch your eardrums. In the second stage, that physical relationship is translated into neural activity, electrical activity in the brain. In the third part of the process, mental activity takes place and that, I suggest, is when listening really happens,” he said.

This definition is important because it makes clear that listening goes beyond the physical act of hearing. For many, we have so conflated the two that we assume that not only do we know how to listen properly, but that we’re good at it. Yes, we say, I can hear you. But hearing doesn’t mean listening. 

In fact, a good portion of us are not listening much at all, and we don’t even realize it. An Accenture study found that 96 percent of global professionals surveyed believe they are good listeners. But another study, described in Scientific American, found that, directly after listening to a 10-minute talk, about half of adult participants could not describe the talk’s subject matter and after 48 hours that percentage ballooned to 75 percent. In the Harvard Business Review, Tijs Besieux reported that, “Studies show people are distracted, forgetful, or preoccupied 75% of the time when listening.” The magnitude of that 75 percent increases upon consideration of how much of the workday is spent listening. On the Wharton Business Daily podcast, Oscar Trimboli, author of How to Listen: Discover the Hidden Key to Better Communication, said that 55 percent of most people’s workdays are spent listening. And that percentage increases along with seniority. For most managers, listening makes up 63 percent of the day, and for executives, a whooping 83 percent.

Because most people consider listening as a physical sense rather than a skill, it is rare to receive formal training on how to listen. Besieux wrote, “Less than two percent of the worldwide population has received formal education on listening effectively, and research points to a ‘crisis in listening’ as organizations spend 80 percent of their corporate communication resources on speaking.” This lack of instruction becomes more poignant when combined with workplaces that tend to be rife with distractions that make conscious listening difficult—Accenture found that 98 percent of global respondents spend at least part of their day multitasking—and reward decisive action more than mindful listening. 

Regardless of your field, the “crisis in listening” affects you. Dr. Howard Luks, orthopedic surgeon and sports medicine specialist, wrote in his blog, “Most patients are interrupted by their physicians after 18 seconds. Yes, 18 seconds. Poor communication and listening skills are likely at the heart of this emerging high-tech, low-touch method of treating patients these days. Physicians feel rushed because they’re trying to maintain their income as their reimbursements decline and they need to spend more time filling out reams of paperwork to justify many of their requests or actions.” Fiona Martin, Director and Head of Employment Law at Martin Searle Solicitors, highlighted a similar challenge. “Every lawyer knows that understanding client needs is an essential part of the service. Too often, the process is geared to identifying what legal services can be provided. Instead of really listening to what the client is saying, you’re waiting for them to stop talking so that you can get started,” she told Law Firm Ambition. And according to the Accenture study referenced earlier, 64 percent of global respondents felt that the digital workplace has made listening significantly more difficult, and 36 percent said “the many distractions prevent them from doing their best, resulting in a loss of focus, lower-quality work, and diminished team relationships.”